Thursday, May 13, 2010

Lessons Learned are never learned

I sit here sadly and chuckle at myself, I have to, or my mind will take me down paths of day dreams, happy endings and such things that are best left alone. School has become a struggle, as I am not mentally there anymore. I have to wonder, what is the use of having something when it brings you nothing. Will this bring me gratification, happiness, wholeness, peace? I think not! I know not! For such things are elusive, and not of this world apparently for there is no such thing as miracles!

I realize now I cannot save the world, when I cannot save my own self and or others from pain, sorrow, disappointment, shame or even humiliation. I am no super hero, I cry, I bleed, breath, I desire and so much more, but to what end?

I once was so bold I told someone “There is nothing that cannot be said or done to me that I cannot handle, as I have heard it all, and been faced with it all”. I know I will never be so arrogant again. I have such a tired soul anymore; I just do not know what to do. Which way is up, down, left, or right.

My only solace is that when it is my time, maybe God will not reject me, for I am human, although not such a good one. Lol… I will not hold my breath for I am sure even He will turn his back on me as well, and there will be no peace.